There was a grant deadline yesterday and I did not apply. This is not the first time I’ve let what others would call an easy one go by. Easy because I have a project going already; easy because I have a project that meets the funding priorities. But I feel done. I am tired of contorting the life of work to reflect the structure of the grant. Tired of re-arranging my rhythms to match the institution’s song. Tired of being anything other than me. Tired of bending emotions into words. Tired of forgoing walks through the park to get another task done before the next meet.
I am not having fun and changing the way I feel about a situation I can’t fix is a doublethink I can’t buy into any more. I’m all out of coins.
I want out.