we brought lulu‘s set down yesterday. i stood on the green wall (felt spongey, like walking through a meadow) foraging pieces of moss for some other future unspecified purpose while all around crew were dropping lighting cables and unscrewing our massive walls and downstairs stage management and the design team bagged and binned costumes and props — ted and i drove a truck around the city doing drop offs, one last time. naturally, somehow, the universe conspired to have us involve lauren in this, just because.
today i woke up, fed the cat, started making a list of things to do, realized i was late, dropped a dress over my head and booted down to vistek to return the sexy video gear i’ll never get to put my hands on again. on the way home i got off the streetcar early. i tried to get a smoked meat poutine at smoke’s because i missed tom, but they don’t have that on the menu anymore. so i walked on and landed in a crystals + tarot cards shop. i thought of susie, who hasn’t read my cards yet. mostly because i have never been ready to know the future, yet. and then today no one was available at this shop to tell me what’s ahead. “take a card and call again.” 1pm on a tuesday that feels like monday probably isn’t a great time for a divination session with the occult.
i’d like one day. just one whole day to do nothing. to experience departure / beginnings. to feel this wide turn.
instead i have lulu vomit (bins of stuff) all over my living room to put away. people to pay. receipts to tally. footage to select and edit. a staff meeting tomorrow where people need to be told (by me) what they are to do and why, what is the overarching purpose. cat food to buy. house sitting to arrange. a thursday flight to catch. brooklyn to discover. new co-conspirators to meet saturday at Civic Reflex/Reflejo Civico Session#2. tuesday remarks to prepare for The Gathering: Contemporary Intersections in Artistic Practice. (there. i’m supposed to be promoting these things i’m a part of. i did it. cross that one off the list.) more work travel to plan and book for the rest of this summer. family to whom i owe visits. overdue taxes. overdue grant reports. overdue creative meetings. costumes and scenery to art direct via skype for coleen’s show touring in poland. a crumbling wooden shutter by my studio window that needs replacing.
the thing about lulu ending — i asked ted yesterday if he was sad. he said that he’d wake up today and feel the sadness. he didn’t ask, but i was overcome on sunday at the matinee, when rose gave the last line. “i – want — ” and the lights went black. in the darkness i gasped at the shock, WOOSH it’s over, and semi-recovered to film the curtain call for posterity. today i walked along that stretch of queen street between no poutine and no tarot reading, and felt sadness anew. i felt sad and soft for a few city blocks ’til i stopped for some knaffeh (syrian dessert bliss). i heard inside me what rilke writes about in letters to a young poet. that sadness is sometimes the body’s response to the future entering. what we experience as sadness is, in fact, surprise, astonishment, awareness that something foreign, something new has entered.
hello to the new.
glad to be meeting you.
quack quack, i guess.